


A Suppressed Thought

by imjustmyself



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! GX
Genre: Asuka x Juudai is one sided, Canon Compliant, Character Study, F/M, Goodbyes, Growing Up, M/M, Spiritshipping is endgame here but it's super vanilla, sort of i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:01:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25719994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imjustmyself/pseuds/imjustmyself
Summary: Asuka looks back on her past 3 years at Duel Academy as she received her diploma. She comes to terms with her non reciprocal feelings for a certain Slifer Red, and with sacrificing herself for others' happiness. A one shot about growing up and learning to let go.
Relationships: Johan Andersen | Jesse Anderson/Yuuki Juudai | Jaden Yuki, Tenjouin Asuka | Alexis Rhodes/Yuuki Juudai | Jaden Yuki
Comments: 9
Kudos: 52





	A Suppressed Thought

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah I just finished watching GX (yeah I know 12 years too late I'm sorry), and season 4 (specially the Duel Party episodes) made me think about Asuka and her sometimes ambiguous but in the end canon (?) feelings for Judai. So I decided to write this to explore it a bit (with Spiritshipping because that's my GX ship like I will go down with it). 
> 
> Just so you know, this isn't Asuka x Judai (Fianceshipping). It's one sided, and Judai x Johan (Spiritshipping) take a very central role in the story.
> 
> (Is basically Asuka realizing she's not the one for Judai, but she still wants to remain there for him).
> 
> Oh yeah I was listening to "Agonizing Heart" from the GX Japanese soundtrack as I wrote this if you want the full experience.
> 
> Please son't be too rough with the comments, don't like it, don't read it. And I always appreciate constructive criticism :)

As she waited with the other Obelisk Blue students to get her graduation diploma, Asuka wonders how she could have been so blind.

_Judai Yuki had made an impact the moment he set foot in the Academy, beating Professor Chronos right off the bat. Then beating some higher ranked Ra Yellow and Obelisk Blue students all the way to Manjome, Misawa and herself. Now, she didn’t think of herself as the best, but she was confident in her abilities as a duelist. Yet Judai always managed to edge all of them with a smile in the end, saying that it had been a fun duel._

_Honestly, she found the Slifer Red student fascinating. Not only because of his innate ability to duel, or his uncanny draw, or the bond he apparently formed with his deck. But because, regardless of the stakes, Judai never lost his passion for dueling. Even when going against the Chairman, with the future of the Universe in his hands against the Light of Destruction. Judai always spoke about those duels as fun card games. The rest of their group couldn’t help but be motivated by his energy, on top of his natural leadership. It made them all looked up to him (even Manjome, as much as he tried to deny it)._

_When he dueled Ayanokouji to become her fiancé she was honestly appalled at the thought of the latter being in any way linked to her. But thinking about Judai that way had been…confusing to say the least. Nor good nor bad, she just wasn’t sure how the idea made her feel. And she discarded the idea as soon as the boy asked what was even a fiancé._

_Her time as a member of the Society of Light is still a fuzzy experience up to this day. Like the remnants of a dream you just woke up from, which slips further away the more you try to grab on to it. Her most solid memory of that time was her duel with Judai, which becomes clearer and clearer with each turn. Judai was firing her on, upsetting her and spiking her emotions to break her free of Saio’s mind control. He did, in the end, and her brother’s words about how they would look good together rang in her ears for days._

_Fubuki liked to call himself a sort of love expert, what was he seeing? Was she missing something? Did Judai ever mention him he liked her?_

_-“Oh my sweet Asuka.” Fubuki had said when she gathered the courage to ask him about it. “I never said it because of something I had seen on Judai’s side.”_

_Oh._

_Wait._

_Did she...did she like Judai?_

_The blush that spread across her cheeks and the way her heart sped up at the thought seemed more than enough confirmation._

_Still, Judai never showed even the slightest of interest, not just on her, but any sort of relationship. Card Games were everything to him, so if the closest she could get was a friend, a fellow duelist, a rival, then she would take it. And everything was fine for a while, she liked to think she wasn’t nearly as obvious about her feelings for Judai as Manjome was about his own feelings for her._

_Then this middle school girl earned the right to enroll early into Duel Academy, and it was obvious who she was after. She was just a first year! How could she even think about winking at the strongest duelist in the school right on the first day? Why did she stuck around the Red rooms, girls weren’t even allowed in there! Who was she to Judai to remain in his hospital room and taking him lunch?_

_Dammit, she would have never thought of herself as the jealous type. The worst part of it was that she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t help but frown and stare at the back of Rei’s neck every time she tried to flirt with Judai. She couldn’t help but try to outdo her in the lunch boxes they both made for him. She couldn’t help but drop by the Red Slifer dorms to see if Rei was with him._

_There was even a moment where she briefly considered the idea that Judai might like Rei back. He did carry her all the way to the infirmary and risked dying on the desert with people he barely even knew just to get the medication they thought could help her. Asuka scolded herself for days, they were in an alternate dimension, uncertain of when or if they could even head back home, and she got distracted thinking about Judai and Rei?! There were much more important things to worry about._

_Thankfully, with her role keeping the students in check and the school perimeter monster-free, she didn’t have much time to sink into those thoughts anymore. After they returned from the other dimension, Rei started looking up to her as her Blue Obelisk senior, and as their friendship grew she slowly let go of her jealousy towards the mischievous first year._

_But some time later, after the Duel Festival Kenzan got together, she caught Rei tearing up behind a gym bench. The first-year told Asuka that she had finally confessed her feelings to Judai. But the older boy turned her down, as gently as he could, and stating very clearly that he still wanted to remain her friend. Still, it must be devastatingly hard for a middle school girl to have your idol/crush/reason why you enrolled into Duel Academy, turn you down._

_-“But hey, this is good for you, Asuka” Rei had said with a tearful smile. “You have a free way to my dearest Judai's heart”_

_Did she? Well, she did like to think that she was one of Judai’s closest friends. She liked to think he saw a friend, a confidant and a rival in her. In fact she took a little pride in knowing she at least helped him enjoy a duel during the Duel Festival, something he had not done in a while._

_Yes, she would have thought that she may had a shot...had she not seen Judai around Johan._

_Edo had called them “duel fools” when he first saw them. Both with an innate passion for dueling, wanting to see excitement in every duel and having fun in the process. She saw the way Judai smiled a little broader when Johan apparently saw the same spirits Judai did and even talked to them. How he had a certain sparkle in his eyes when he confessed he was falling asleep even on lunchtime because he stayed up all night discussing dueling strategies with Johan. They were similar in a lot of ways, Johan and Judai. And Asuka was glad the Red Slifer had found a friend like him._

_Looking back, she wonders if they were not being as good enough friends to Judai as he was to them. If maybe they shouldn’t have relied on him so much to solve every problem that arose in the school. Maybe they should have been a bit more like Johan, O’Brien and Jim, capable of standing their ground on their own, to reduce the burden Judai carried on his shoulders. Maybe they should have put a bit more effort to see dueling the way Judai did, to see it all the way Johan effortlessly did too, allowing him to connect with Judai in ways none of them had had before._

_Then the European student got stuck in that other dimension and it was like he had taken Judai’s soul with him. She thanks every God out there that she wasn’t around to see Judai descend into the evil darkness that was the Supreme King. From what Jim has told her, she would have never wanted to see carefree, happy Judai become that being Jim described. But she remembers how much he changed after returning from the other dimension the first time up until she was vanished with their friends in that duel vs Brron._

_When Asuka first found Judai leaning against the wall, muttering over and over again how it was his fault Johan didn’t make it back, she felt spine tingling chills run down her back. This was not the Judai she knew, the Judai she knew would have been on his feet, determined as ever to save whoever needed to be saved. The Judai she knew wouldn’t have been drowning in self doubt and pity, over analyzing and regretting every little thing he had done in that duel, trying to think of an outcome in which Johan would have crossed back to their world with them._

_Things only got worse as they headed back to the Dark World. She could tell Judai felt responsible for the safety of their group, but at the same time he was so desperate to make things right, to save Johan and then Freed’s comrades. It led him to act on impulse, which normally would work for him had he not been invaded by self doubt and fear, knowing that every duel meant a close encounter with death._

_He left them behind in that whirlwind of emotions, regardless of how much they tried to reach out to him. But she couldn’t blame him anymore. He carried everything on his shoulders. She would never forgive herself for straight out putting it all on him while under the possession of Brron. They were the ones who insisted on going with Judai, even if he said it was dangerous._

_Judai lost himself completely when he lost Johan, she knows he played a key part in her friend's succumbing to the darkness in his heart. And aside from the Duel Festival, the only time Asuka saw that smile that was so rare on Judai’s eyes after the Dark World, was when he saw Johan again, after he had beaten Darkness. After everything was done._

_When they returned to their dimension, Johan, as weak and worn out as he was in the nurse’s office bed, asked about Judai every day, whether he had returned already or not. Even after he was discharged he refused to leave Duel Academy until Judai came back. Then she saw them bid their goodbyes after Judai had returned and Johan needed to head back home. She saw the embrace they were wrapped up in, Johan’s deck finally in his owner’s hand. She saw the way they were both trying to hide the pain this farewell was causing them with snarky remarks and light pushing. It may have worked on everyone else but Asuka was observant, she could see it in their eyes._

_She then understood that Judai and Johan’s bond went much more deeper than she had thought. It wasn’t that Judai had no interest in anything beyond card games, and then saving everyone through them. It took a very special person like Johan to make him see beyond that._

_The funny part was that, she didn’t feel jealous of Johan the way she had felt jealous of Rei. Maybe she knew, when she saw them, that the boy chosen by the Crystals had no competition. No human would ever come close to the bond Judai and Johan shared. Not his so called #1 fan Rei, nor his eternal rival Manjome, not even his first friend in school Sho._

_Not even her._

_But it was okay. If Johan made Judai happy then she would gladly step back. Judai had had more than his fair share of suffering for a lifetime, he deserved someone who could bring out some of the joy he lost in the past few years._

_That’s why she held back from confessing her feelings that night after the Pair Duel Party. She didn’t need him to outright reject her, but most importantly, she didn’t want him to feel bad for her. Knowing Judai, he would feel guilty for not being able to reciprocate her feelings. She would not allow him to feel any more guilt._

_That didn’t mean she didn’t shed a few tears when she decided not to tell Judai how she left, nor when she found him and Johan on the rooftop of the Academy after they defeated Darkness. They were sitting by the edge of the roof, their backs to her, holding hands, with Johan’s head leaning against Judai’s shoulder. She initially tried to stop the tears in her bathroom, only to give up and let them fall freely until they ran out._

_Judai had made enough sacrifices for them, Asuka would do this one for him._

She watched from the top of the stands as the 3rd year students kept walking one by one up to the atrium to receive their diploma. As her friends received their own, they slowly started filling up the space next to her, watching the remaining students. Rei and Kenzan had also joined them, loudly cheering for Sho and Manjome as they got their diploma. Even Johan and O’Brien were there.

Before Asuka could notice, she found herself standing right next to Johan. She coughed a bit awkwardly, to which Johan smiled back sweetly. She grinned (can she stop making everything awkward, please?) and focused once again on the students, they were already halfway through.

-“Asuka” she looked at Johan as he called her, a bit surprised. This might just be the first time they are having a 1 on 1 interaction. The boy looked down, a bit embarrassed.

-“I just wanted to say…I-I wanted to say that I’m sorry. I tried. I really tried not to let it get to this point because I can tell how feel about him.” Asuka was left speechless. She could get it from Fubuki, he was her older brother and he knew her better than anyone. But she had barely spoken three whole sentences to Johan before, yet he found out? She felt a flush creeping up her neck and face, now it was her turn to look away.

-“W-was I that obvious?” She asked as she put a strand of her hair behind her ear with trembling hands.

-“No, not at all.” Johan had replied softly, eyes still glued on the floor. “I just can tell these things…ehm….it takes one to know one.” It wasn’t like Asuka didn’t know how the exchange student felt for Judai, but hearing it from Johan himself gave it a finality that almost made her gasp in surprise.

-“I’m sorry” the boy started again. “I swear I tried to keep some distance, to keep this strictly as a friendship and I understand if you hate me after this-“ Asuka grabbed Johan’s arm to silence him and make him look at her. She was known for her icy cold stares but right now, she hoped her face showed the warm gaze and soft smile she was trying to convey.

-“We can’t control the way our hearts feel” she said. “And I know how hard it is to not get drawn by Judai, look at all of us here” they both chuckled at that, and Asuka squeezed Johan’s arm slightly to get back his attention. “You don’t have anything to apologize for. It’s okay, Johan. I’ll be okay.” She dropped her hold on him and they both quietly shifted to get his attention back to the ceremony.

As she absentmindedly kept her gaze forward, she realized she meant what she said. It still hurt to think about it, and she doubted it would go away anytime soon. But she was strong, and nothing was going to keep her down. She would use her time in North Academy to heal, get over her feelings for Judai for the sake of their friendship, and maybe then she might want to open her heart again.

But she needed to make sure…

-“Just promise me something, please” Asuka had no idea where that came from but what the hell she was already on a roll. She heard a small sound of surprise coming out of Johan’s mouth as he looked back at her, but she kept her gaze focused on the students below. “Take good care of him. I know you two share a special bond, and I can see he cares for you as much as you care for him.” Now it was Johan’s turn to cough awkwardly and, if Asuka had looked at him, she would have seen his pale face tinted in pink. “So please, make him very happy. He deserves it more than anyone.”

She looked at the blue-haired boy, who confirmed it with a nod and that determined sparkle in his eyes, so rare to find nowadays but so common in Judai and him. They really were meant to be, Judai’s heart would be in good hands.

-“Judai Yuki!”

The mention of Judai’s name made them look down as the only ever stubborn Slifer Red in the sea of yellow and blue jacket made his way to the front. He bowed at Director Samejima and Professor Chronos who was crying a river as he handed the diploma to the “drop out boy”.

Judai turned to look up at the spot their whole group of friends was at, as if he knew they were there before he even looked. He waved at them with a smile, Manjome, Kenzan, and Sho cheering at the top of his lungs started and soon the rest of the students joined in a sea of whistles, applauses and cheers, becoming the loudest cheer of the day. It was a small token of appreciation to the boy that had given his joy and youth protecting his friends, his school, and the world.

Asuka felt tears pooling in her eyes but she closed them and held it all in, she had promised herself she wouldn’t cry again. So she focused once more on the blue-haired boy next to her.

-“Johan.” Asuka started. “Did he tell you were he was going? I-I wasn’t planning on following him, of course. I just…I-“ Now Johan tried to stop her rambling by placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. Johan’s emerald eyes, even in their vibrant green, were gentle and warm.

-“I know. I worry about him too. But it’s Judai we’re talking about, he’ll be okay.” She didn’t want to say that even his smile was similar to Judai’s but damn, it was. Johan let go of her shoulder and looked up in thought. “And no, he didn’t tell me where he was going, I think he needs time to be by himself. But he told me that he’ll get in touch when he was ready. Don’t worry, I’ll let you know if I hear anything from him.” He finished it off with a wink, but she caught the trace of a small tear making its way down his cheek. She knew better than to comment on it.

The Graduation Party was truly a night to remember (except for the fact that Fubuki had made her wear that red dress). Everyone enjoyed themselves to the fullest, eating, dancing, taking pictures, recalling old memories, bidding farewells and making promises to keep in touch. It would have been a perfect night, had there been a stubborn Slifer Red student among them. Their friends started commenting on how Judai was always late, but being late for the Graduation Party was lousy even for him.

Asuka smiled and quietly headed outside, the evening breeze messing her hair ever so slightly. It was a beautiful night, not a cloud in the sky, truly a perfect night to close a chapter in her life.

Truth being told, Asuka didn’t expect Judai to show up at the party at all. And as she listened to Johan and O’Brien trailing behind her, she suspected they had the same thought.

They were all going to miss each other, that’s for sure. But Judai had left such a deep mark on them all, it was probably going to be the hardest to let go of. But they would learn to cope, not only with Judai leaving, but all of them parting ways, finding their place in the world.

And as she heard Johan say they would meet him again, she was reminded of how, a few hours ago, Kenzan, Rei, Manjome Sho and herself wrote that funny letter that was now stuck under Pharaoh’s collar. It was funny, maybe a bit shallow on the surface. But she hoped Judai could see it for what it was, a promise, that they too would wait for him until he was ready.

Asuka looked up to the starry sky, she imagined Judai looking at those same stars too. A small smile crept up her face as a tear made her way down her face. She cursed at herself mentally for breaking her own promise, and she sent a thought to the stars.

-“Until we meet again, Judai."


End file.
